Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Thursday's Friday's Feast

This is last Friday's Feast, I'd like every reader to feel tagged!

When do you feel impatient?
When I must wait for answers (i.e. after a job interview) or for phone calls by a man

Salad: How many times in your life have you had a broken heart?
I'd say twice by lovers, twice by friends, lots by mom.

Soup: Name a book you would like to see made into a movie.
None... it's very hard for a movie to be better or at least as good as a book!!

Main Course: If you could thank one teacher for what they taught you, who would it be and what would you thank them for?
Donatella, who taught me how to write proper Italian when I was 8. I've never forgot what I learned then.
Ms. Pani, who taught me English when from 11 to 13. She was simply great at what she did, and made me love foreign languages even more (as if it was possible...)
Ms.Camba who taught me to typewrite at lightspeed and write down in shorthand. The last has never been useful but had me having a great time at school (yeah..I was such a grind!)
And the greatest of the teachers, my grandma who's looking down at me from Heaven. For she taught me how to be smart, proud, generous, trustworthy and ironic. She also taught me to love cooking, and she's the one from whom I learned to cook the best cannelloni ever. Wonderful special marvellous grandma.

Dessert: What is your favorite kind of pie?
In Italy we're not so accustomed to pies, cakes are most our style. But since I'm a dessert-cooking-addict and I've spent all of my money on international cookbooks, I'd say that my favourites are:
Everything about chocolate
Apples pecans and cinnamon
Pears and figs
Red berries and rhubarb
All of them warm with an obscene amount of whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Love me tender

I have no words left tonite. I'm moved to tears. Amazed by my own heart. It's such a flood I can't help drowning. No love can be greater than this. Losing our ego we really find ourselves.


I will survive

There are lots of unpredictable and awful things in life. Events you hardly recover from. So was yesterday's Company Ravishing Annual Party. C-r-apital letters are there on purpose...
ok..Let's explain a little bit more..

Company: I've worked for these donkeys for one year and a half now, and I've realized that these people do make me sick like no one I've ever known in life. Liars, skinflints, redneck morons. In my village we have a saying that goes something like "a louse in a silk bag", meaning someone really crappy wrapped in money or in power or whatever. Just what they are, in the end: styleless chaps pretending to be classy.
Ravishing: don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean charming, it's more on the kidnapping side... you can't run and you can't hide, if you miss the invitation you're sure to be mocked in the alleys, tortured in the bathroom and - as happened to me last year - summoned in the Great Chief's Office, the one with human skin armchairs and stuffed ex-employees heads on the walls.
Annual: yep, no way they miss one bloody year..
Party: it is techically kind of a lunch in a grand reastaurant. Practically there's no word to describe this so-called event. It's like a little crowd of victimes taken hostage by a bunch of delirious assholes who try to boost their ego with ridiculous speeches, music, wine..just let your imagination do the rest.

So yesterday - my day off work, in theory - I had to endure this experience. My temper hasn't strenghtened, my patience hasn't increased. Yet I went back with a sore throat because of the heating and a stomach full of cockroaches - or so it felt. Spent the rest of the evening chasing down the world for any form of real/human life - well, I basically stayed on the couch knitting, but you won't be too strict, will you?

oh, we've been lucky if compared to what happened last year ... at least we didn't have to wear green clownish wigs..

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Till death do us part #2

ok, this should be a rough translation... just hope it's better than Google translator... :)

Wrinkled hands
sheep skin dried in the sun
knots and roots
juniper barked wood
crooked little finger, even more crooked,
dark and fresh skin that lingered on my breast in the days of dawn.
Restless hands, painted and lined in years without respite, traces and furrows.
Bland bite marks, grass stains while you played as a child, fall cause you know how to fall
the huge dog has fun
tender dribbling curly he loves you.
Me too.
Letting you stay there on the lawn
the huge dog
curly and black
his jumps your smile
what a delicious and content loss, careless and perfect
Tiny twittering bites in the days as ripe as apples
full spring in adult life
and the moon-shaped little face of the new-born pet who looks at you with my eyes and smiles with your smile.
Tiny paws on your hands.
I stood apart, watching you, with the subtle pleasure of Creator, universal thought of a purring tiger with her pet safe and sound, the throb who has sprang up from your bites on my neck, roaring and strenght.
so now there you are, placid lion with your kingdom all around, you’ll roar again but now close your eyes and breathe with me, breathe for me for the last time.
you move with usual gestures, that I complete in my mind for you while I’m not looking, intent, frowned or sleepy
I feel your eyelashes batting, your blood run your thoughts grow thick just before you talk, call me, I know. I linger in looking and your breath in the distance broadens my chest.
you breathe warm wind in the winter which meddles in between us, harsh and biting
Plant some bulbs, laugh, grow older. Don’t be anything else. Don’t be anyone else. Sigh, sleep. Cherish me within you.
Every day from now on will be different from those you had with me, no one has ever been the same, I leave in the one and only absence pain don’t want to do it don’t want to stop being, don’t want to stop living.
My old wonderful love of a lifetime, a memory for every glance, don’t you rise your head and let me go, don’t notice me while I spy, engulf and brand you within what of me will last. If you look at me I’ll kill God, no one will ever take me away from you.
Lined hands juniper and walnut hold me again one second one minute one more while the colder breath fades
to die is to part a little
you’d laugh, my words would make your teeth surface from your lips.
Laugh, my love, laugh for me make me dance in your heart with shiny floors for every night you have left, your hands will be big and strong enough for every step we’ll take.
Velvet crunchy bread kiss warm the thought of me will be blanket and walking cane.
Cristal clear in the void where everything has been us.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Till death do us part

This morning I had a kind of a daydream while at work. It was more, well, sort of experiencing a different personality - which I don't really know how it feels.
I was shot forward to the last minutes of my life, felt it was time to say goodbye.

What follows is what I saw in my mind. What I smelled and felt. It's about my last goodbye to my man, an old husband or companion, father of my son, which I saw - imagined - thought was sitting on a rocking chair, inside the house, while I watched him from the porch. It's in italian, as it came flowing like a river from my head to my fingers. I'll work on an English version, even if I already know it'll be profoundly unsatisfactory...

Mani rugose pelle di pecora seccata al sole nodi e radici ginepro liscio scortecciato mignolo storto ancora più storto pelle che scura e giovane indugiava sul mio seno nei giorni dell'alba.

Mani mai ferme dipinte in anni senza sosta, tracce e solchi

Segni di morsi blandi, macchie d'erba mentre razzoli come un bimbo cadi perchè sai cadere l'enorme cane si diverte tenero bavoso ricciolo ti ama e io con lui.
Lasciarti lì sul prato tu l'enorme cane ricciolo nero i suoi salti i tuoi sorrisi, che privazione soddisfatta e deliziosa, incoscienza e perfezione.

Piccoli morsi pigolanti nei giorni maturi come mele, primavera piena d'adulto e il viso rotondo del cucciolo nuovo che ti guarda con i miei occhi e sorride del tuo sorriso. Manine artiglie sulle tue. Stavo discosta a guardarvi, col sottile piacere del creatore, pensiero universale di tigre ronfante ed il cucciolo al sicuro, il palpito che è germogliato dai tuoi morsi sul mio collo, ruggito e forza.

E ora eccoti lì leone placido col tuo regno intorno ruggirai ancora ma adesso chiudi gli occhi respira con me, respira per me per l'ultima volta.

Compi gesti consueti e così acquisiti che la mia mente completa per te quando non guardo, intento o accigliato o sonnolento.

Sento le tue ciglia battere il tuo sangue fluire i tuoi pensieri farsi densi prima che parli o mi chiami, ti so.
Indugio ancora a guardarti e il tuo respiro a distanza mi apre i polmoni mi soffi vento tiepido nell'inverno che si impiccia di noi, rude, tagliente.

Interra dei bulbi, ridi, invecchia ancora. Non essere altro. Non essere un altro. Osserva, singhiozza, dormi. Curami in te.

Ogni giorno adesso sarà diverso da quelli con me, nessuno è stato uguale, vado via nel primo ed unico distacco assenza dolore non voglio farlo non voglio smettere di essere e di esserci.

Mio vecchio ruvido meraviglioso amore di una vita, un ricordo ad ogni sguardo, non sollevare gli occhi e lascia che io vada, non accorgerti di me che ti spio ti ingoio ti stampo dentro ciò che di me resterà. Se tu mi guardi ucciderò Dio e nessuno mi porterà via da te

Mani segnate ginepro e noce tenetemi ancora un istante un minuto un altro mentre il fiato più freddo si spegne morire è un po' partire.. rideresti, tu, le mie parole farebbero affiorare i tuoi denti tra le labbra.

Ridi amore mio ridi per me fammi ballare nel tuo cuore dal pavimento lucido per ogni sera che ti resta, le tue mani saranno ancora grandi abbastanza e forti per ogni passo che faremo.

Velluto pane croccante bacio tiepido il pensiero di me ti sarà coperta e bastone.

Cristallino nell'assenza dove ogni cosa è stata noi.

Thursday, November 17, 2005


A night at the opera

Yesterday night I went to the theatre. After what has happened in my life in the last few months I thought I deserved the best winter I could afford, so I bought a season ticket for drama.
Willing to book for opera, too, but that is much more expensive, still don't know..

After work I came home in a rush, took a shower, got my hair sleek, chose a nice outfit, wore a classy make-up and my luckycharm pearl, engulfed a sandwich in 3 secs and out I went, into the starry night.

Minnie arrived a little later. She's had a fortnight off work and has decided staying at her parents for a while. They live in a village in the country so we haven't seen each other so much, lately.

While chatting in the hall I saw Sam's friend. You know, the clairvoyant. I ducked into my coat trying to be invisible, she passed by, ok, take a deep breath girl and smile, no psychocrap for tonite.
The play sucked. Definitely.
Best thing I can say about the evening is that we girls had a long talk in the car and vented for a while.
On my way back I sang top of my lungs with good old Annie Lennox. She's always willing to make me feel the most powerful chick in the world. God bless her voice and this album.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


waking up with the house on fire

I let him in. Last friday. It was 2 in the morning when he called. I went to bed at 1.30 or so, and fell asleep in the middle of a sweet but hot fantasy about undressing him. So when the phone rang and I heard his voice it felt, don't know, as a prosecution of my thoughts.
He blah blah-ed something about a file he wanted to install on my pc, I thought he was kidding and asked where he was. I'm at your door.. Can I come upstairs? he said. Yes was the answer.
The facts showed he wasn't kidding at all. He had bought some book on the web and wanted to upload it to my pc. Nice, uh? At 2 am, to his ex-whatever, with no advice at all. Great.

There are situations in which I behave like I have no feelings. Like I'm anesthetized. Maybe it's because of my need to keep things in control, don't know. The frenzier things get, the firmer and calmer I behave. So was yesterday night.

He was tired, half asleep, with a pain in the back from a clumsy jump he took. We talked for a while and chilled out on the bed. Not that I believed for a single second that it was a normal situation, I'm not that nuts. Anyway, I decided to let things go, just wanted to see where they went.

Rambling thoughts:
- is he willing to make love to me? if so, let's save our time and DO IT
- did he just came to upload that file?? Ok, I'll have him locked in the proper asylum and throw away the key.
- does he really think I want to chat at 2 am after a week's work on my shoulders???
- is he really just looking for a good massage and a warm hug? Miss Nightingale's always there when you need her, uh?
- Lord, I'm such a boneless crap, strike me to my roots with a lightning and take me to the skies.

Needless to say, one thing leads to another, we had wonderful sex. Talked for a while afterwards. Hugged and cuddled. Everything a couple should do on a friday night. Except we're not in love and we're not a couple.
So what are we?
Friends? not yet.
Lovers? not enough to explain
Are we just two kids playing adults? Is this mess just the proof we're not so good in parting nor in being sharp?

I could paint his face by heart. I can read his mind and I know that he's crazy about it. I can nurture, caress, hug him like the essence of motherhood, yet can make him so horny he can't stay still. I can stare at him while he sleeps and wake him up with the slightest kiss. I play with his body like no one else has ever had. I stand tall when he vents about his troubles and doubts. I can bear him never calling me, even if it hurts. I can even take that he'll be someone else's soon. Much too soon.

One thing I cannot do.

I can't stand the sight of his back, when he leaves slightly hunched under the weight of what I can just guess are his thoughts. That he'll never share.

Monday, November 14, 2005



P. is falling asleep in perfect fetal position on my couch.
We've planned to see the L word but I'm afraid I'll watch it by myself..
I really envy his ability to fall asleep almost wherever he is.. It's such a pity I have to wake him up to let him go back home.
Yesterday night I had to daze myself with an entire Chopin cd in hope for holy sleep to come.. earplugs, lights off, deep breathing.. and still, after one hour of so, my eyes were wide open.
My mind overloaded with tricky plans to cause unbelievable pains to Mr.Clumsy. Maybe that's my rage coming to the surface...
Watch out for my new hulk self approaching.
Oh, Chopin didn't work, but this one surely does..

Sunday, November 13, 2005


Tagged: Ten Things I've Recently Learned About Myself

My life has been quite jumbled these days. I met Mr.Charms and still don't know what to think about that.
He's less Charming and more Clumsy day by day, in my heart. I should feel freer than I do. Instead, I feel somehow slaved to his mood. As if he could do anything and destroy me. Again. Oh, I know he wouldn't. Not now. But nevertheless I can't stand the whole situation.
So I'm passing through a massive writer's block, if I can say "writer" and "I" in the same sentence without sounding ridiculous...
I have tons of thoughts stucked in the drafts, but cannot seem to have them in any order.

Don't want to lose the chance to stay here, in my bloggy home, anyway.

So, from Dr.Deb's

ten things I've recently learned about myself

1) I'm easily wound by words. Too easily.
2) I'm getting old. No way my thighs will ever be the same again.
3) Chocolate is not the answer. But is a damn good placebo.
4) When people pay me compliments I can believe them. I have stopped thinking they're bloody liars. At least.
5) The older I get, the more I can't hide my feelings. The older I get, the better I choose when how and with whom sharing them.
6) I'm proud of my mom. She rocks.
7) Hard as I try, there's no way I can get less critical about other people's cookery. I'm a fussy perfectionist. Yet I can be the most diplomatic person in the world if it comes about friends. Not if I'm paying for my meal, anyway.
8) I'll never get completely rid of my fears. But I'll be able to handle them, more or less, someday.
9) I'm a great lover. And I deserve a great lover. No settling for less. Not anymore.
10) A day without a smile is a rainy day. Laughter is a priceless treasure.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Heart of glass

Several weeks ago I heard a Dervish saying on the radio, it was from a movie or so. It struck me so much that I stopped my car and wrote it in my cell archive.
I totally forgot it till last night, when, cancelling old messages, I found it on the cell.
Nothing comes with no sense.

God's home is in people's heart. Anybody who offends a heart offends God.
It's so delicate and powerful at the same time that it scares me..

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Tuesday madness

A bit late.. here we go with monday madness.
This time it's a "fill in the blankets" one.

1. Sometimes I wish I could just forget what people say

2. If I could take a long weekend to drown in love and romance, I'd be very happy.

3. The world would be a better place if more people would just listen/shut up/slow down/remember where they come from.

4. One of my greatest qualities is sincerity and the total lack of any mask.

5. The one thing about me that I need to work on is... come on, are you serious???? I won't admit anything!! ok.. let's say I need to work on my emotional needs. AND on my abdomen..

6. Happiness is often well hidden inside ourselves

One more question:
is there a way to confine madness only to mondays???

Monday, November 07, 2005


Alice in chains

Alice in wonderland found some cookies and a bottle on a table. Eat me, drink me, they said. Some of them made her taller, some of them made her shorter, or smaller or what. She didn't know what they did unless she bit them.

We need to experience things to be able to name and describe them.

God gave Adam the power to name things, and he did. He hadn't anything to compare things with. I mean, he hadn't had any "before" in his life. He named everything in Eden following his mood or God (who else??) knows what.

We're not that lucky. We can't call a phone a star, we must call it phone, cause that's his name.We must have a reference. We learn to describe and name things comparing the new to the already known. So, if we saw a lynx for the first time maybe we'd describe it as "some kind of big, wild cat" or something like that.

What happens when we experience something that can't be compared or related to anything we already know?Are we able to recognise brand new things or do we create, unconsciously, OUR reality just to label things with usual names?

I can't find a name for this feeling. I never felt like this before. I'm wrong in calling it love, need, lust, affection, friendship or tenderness. Whatever I could say it would be completely out of focus. So I don't know how to face it.

What is this cookie going to do to me? What if I get lost? What if it's poisonous? Do I really have to taste it or it'd be better just to let it stay?Am I going to shrink and ache? Will it give me some more power, show me a new dimension? Where will it take me?

Wish I had an answer. I don't.
Wish I didn't lick this cookie. Didn't taste this feeling.
But I can't help it. I have a hell of a sweet tooth for life.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Friday's Feast

I told you, I love word games, memes, tests and all that...

I found this was really nice.. much more so because it's about cooking and food, which I'm crazy about!

Appetizer What was the last game you purchased?
Scrabble. Travel version. It was a present, actually, but I chose it myself.

Soup Name something in which you don't believe.
I don't believe in either never and forever.

Salad If you could choose a television personality to be your boss, who would you pick?
Dr. Carter from E.R. No doubt. But I must admit I'd find it hard to work..

Main Course What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
Hey, is there a different way to learn any lesson? If so.. SHOW ME!!

Dessert Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.
Natural colors, parquet and carpets. A huge sofa and a coffee table. A few paintings (or country cross stitched works or quilts). No TV but a plasma screen for my favourite movies and a home-theater and cd player with well hidden speakers. No metal or glass or any shining material. Just wood and fabric and some china stuff at disposal for my afternoon tea. Smooth but good lighting. Mr. Charms on the sofa with nothing else than his glasses. Ok, scratch that. No glasses.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


News of the world

You know those days when you're so tired it should be friday night already? That's today.

Didn't sleep well at all, my neck was stiff and aching and I felt as I had 450 coffees just before going to bed. I never ever have coffee (it messes badly with my heart) so I was sure it had nothing to do with that. Who knows, maybe too many Desperate Housewives before going to bed..

Today I woke up feeling a real crap. A raven's nest instead of my naturally soft and silky and curly hair and a pale limp dough ball instead of my usually finely chiselled face... Cellulite-spotted buttocks where cellulite-spotted buttocks used to be... in a word, an awful awakening.

With a start like that, what could I expect? I would have settled for a plain boring day. For my boss yelling at me. For my parents throwing me out of their home when I go visit. For my friends calling me names and my cats scratching me to death.

Guess what I got instead? Non-requested news about Mr.Charms. Someone saw him at a Halloween party. He was kinda weird - so they said - and when asked how he felt answered "Fine. And me and Phi are not seeing each other anymore".

Rambling thoughts:
1) People who asked didn't know it, but didn't ask for news about me either, so why providing the information??
2) Why on earth an answer like that when talking to an almost stranger?? I mean, how about that nice old habit of talking about the weather instead?
3) A Halloween party. In Italy. In the hottest november we've ever seen while people is still going to the beach?? C'mon guy, you really need some help.. (check this out for a smarter thought about Halloween)

Do you think that was enough? Yeah, right. That was just a single bite of the whole cake.
Other news followed. Different source, almost same effect on my nerves.

Looks like he's deserting his nicest friends and going out with - how can I say this without sounding a grumpy bitch?- a bunch of childish male chauvinist idiots.

I know I shouldn't care about his life, but we've known for 15 years now, I've been his best friend before being his lover, so this is definitely too hard to ignore.

Nevertheless, I'd like people to shut up at times.

Nevertheless, I'm afraid one of the girls in the pool, at random, will pay for all this, tonite. I'm growing fond of that choking stuff...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


sexual healing

If I were to run for the headache of the year,I'd win no doubt. A strong pain in the right side of my head is pulsing from 4 hours or so and it feels as the hand of an agry god is trying to pull out my right eye from my skull with a spoon... I'd rather lay it down on a railtrack and wait for next Intercity to come instead of being here, pretending to work. I can't focus on anything!

This would be a perfect time for a chamomile-sofa-silent kind of afternoon, you see.
Or for a slow body massage-slow talking- slow love making kind of afternoon. Yep, this one would be the best..

I must be one of the few women in the world who actually doesn't mind making love with a headache or other physical diseases... I mean, making love having a headache. I know that many of us often make love with or to a "headache" or a real pain in the ass.. ;-P

In the past months with Mr.Charms I discovered I was never too aching to make love. I might have been too worried, or too blue, but never too aching. Physical pains such as headache, bellyache, strains, bruises or so were not enough to restrain me from love, much to his delight.. just as, much to my delight he was never too worried or anxious or troubled to make love to me.

Looking back I have to admit that I fell in love with that powerful body of his before falling in love with him.
It has nothing to do with being handsome or having spectacular muscles (which in fact he has..). He's not even my kind. I like tall men and he's just a few cm taller than me, just to say one. I've always loved him as one of my best friends, so it was not about the "having sex with a stranger" thrill.
It's something more subtle, like an ocean stream that led me offshore and made me fall head over heels. At first it was his hands moving when he talked. Then the scent of his neck. Then the skin spot I could see where the chest starts and the shirt ends. It was like that scene in Annie Hall when they talk about something but the subtitles show their inner dialogue..
Our bodies exchanged hungry looks while we talked about politics or movies or whatever.

Day by day, his body taught me to let go of my stiffness and fear.
In the night his chest talked a whispering language to my back while we slept in each other's arms and his whole physical being had me under his spell faster than the eye could flick. I would have done anything in and out of the bed, I could have played any game. Because I felt so at ease, so carefree, so clean and clear.. I was his angel. His mischievous, sexy babe. His heaven. And he was mine. My tireless lover. My master. My slave. His skin was my silky sheet and his arms were my blanket. His lap was my pillow.

We were a whole world.

That was not about love. It was more than that. It was going to the roots of being woman and man. To the essence of human nature.

The funny thing is that despite all the cruel words he said, despite the suffering and the pain, I'm not angry at his hands, or his sex or his tongue. The power of this desire really sweeps me off my feet.
Don't get me wrong, I longed for P so much I can't tell. The men that followed struck me, too, and turned me on. I'd be a total fool to deny it. And a very sad girl...
But they never really reached the core. I thought that was the best, that excitement, that heat... the truth is I didn't know I had a deeper core to be reached. I didn't pretend. I really was content. Just because I didn't know I could be more than content and satisfied.
I didn't know I could be perfect.

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