Saturday, December 24, 2005


Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Yes, that's what I'm gonna do... Have a merry little sweet Christmas with my family and friends.
Tonite I'm having Sikbros for dinner, which is quite original for italian tradition... I mean, spending Christmas Eve with a friend and not with your family.. but my family never thought much of this tradition, moreover my brother's away.. and I always thought that feasts like this are meant for us to be happy and peaceful, so the only important thing is that we do what make us feel better!
I really enjoy my time home when someone's due to come... it's really like waiting for Santa to go down the chimney!! I spent all day cooking and tiding up and now here I am, with a huge glass of rum&coke - I rarely drink alcohol, actually, but today I felt like having something "grown up".. - and I'm so so relaxed.. the house's cozy and warm, the air smells of incense and chocolate (a luscious cake has just been taken out of the oven) and the coffee table is covered with colourful presents..
I'm pretty happy and I didn't thought it could happen, without Mr Charms by my side on such a special evening.
But that's how it goes!
I don't know why, but this year I indulged in buying lots of presents and I deeply enjoyed it... not to mention the fun I had in wrapping them up with bright coloured paper and tiny decorations I made by myself... Take a look!!

To everyone of you greetings for a peaceful and joyful Christmas!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


highly strung

Do you ever get the feeling that life's running through your fingers like the sand?
Well, I do. At times I think the sand has turned into lava, killing bees or crappy slime, but this doesn't change things much. If not for the scars, burns and puking, I mean.

Anyway, time's running fast towards the end of the year, and just like every year, I start taking stock of my life and wishing I could fall asleep today and wake up on January 7th.
Not that I don't like Christmas.. I love choosing, buying and wrapping up presents, cooking for friends, having some time to sit in front of the fire eating oranges, chestnuts and panettone..
It's just that my melancholy becomes unbearable, the least thing moves me... you know, all that sort of things!
So I'm trying to avoid all this sticky feelings doing as many things as I can. And I'm quite good at that!
In the last week off work I succeded in:
- have some laundry done (don't you think that's easy.. you never saw the huge amount of carpets and stuff I must wash because of the cats...)
- start reading The House of Sleep, which I'm loving, and buy some other great books
- put some Christmas decoration in my flat - cuuuuuute!!!
- have some more Christmas shopping done
- dowload a cd I've helplessly looked for in the last 6 months

but, just to remember me that nobody's perfect, I also....
- spent tons of money on lingerie-shoes-clothes-books I truly couldn't afford (Carrie Bradshaw knows NOTHING about shopping... I mean, about going shopping with ridiculous wages like mine...)
- managed to get as sad and dramatic as a Bergman movie. Only a bit less artistic..
- lost the car keys and had the car forcefully opened by my holy mechanic (it goes without saying, this ruined some plans I had for a night out)
- skipped as many meals as I could (believe me folks, I do not need a diet..) cause I didn't feel like taking care of myself and maybe wanted to vanish in the air, don't know
- convinced myself that nobody will ever love me 'cause I'm as pleasant as a huge pimple on the nose. When you're a model. And you're allergic to camouflage make up.

Not too bad for one single week, uh?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


The gift #2

But, as I don't want to sound too much of the complaining type, here's the positive version of the list

fifteen things I wish I had for Christmas

(as I'm just wishing, I'll put no limit to my fantasy...)

1) a new car. Mine's starting to look older than Noah's Ark. Only fewer animals in there.
2) a larger group of friends to go out with
3) all Woody Allen's movies on dvd
4) a new job. Or at least a respectable boss and a raise!
5) a cheap and effective heating system for my house. Freezing my buttocks is not exactly my idea of keeping young..
6) Harry Potter's magic wand and a book of spells
7) a ring..let's say a wedding ring. If possible with Right Man at the other side of the box...
8) free plane tickets to Rome, Paris, London and Bucarest for at least 5 years (Ysera, I really want to see you!)
9) bigger breasts. I don't care if it's stupid or superficial. I wish I had breasts I couldn't close my arms too easily on. Mine - as I lost a lot of weight lately - are so small I hardly remember they're there...not only I can close my arms, I could squeeze myself so tight I could break my ribs without hurting my breasts..
10) the invitation for a seshin of zen meditation
11) something from my mommy I could always take with me (a thin bangle or something like that)
12) good news about my brother's life. lasting good news. he lives far away and I worry nonstop about him as an old hen with her chick.
13) peace of mind. even episodically!
14) shoes I couldn't ever afford
15) unlimited chances


The gift #1

not that I hope it works in any way - as nobody in my family reads my blog or even knows I run one - but..
here's my list of the

ten things I wish I'll never receive (again or for the first time...) as a Christmas present

1) scarves and/or gloves and/or hats. jeeez!!
2) books I'd never read, as how-to-do funny manuals or poetry. I can't read them. No hope.
3) face masks or stuff like that. I'm getting old. No way to avoid it, so don't foolish me. Unless you're willing to spend tons of money on really good products.
4) tiny objects meant only to catch all of the dust in a range of 10.000 km
5) socks. I have a drawer exploding with cozy socks I'll never wear.
6) pj's. Unless I can choose it myself.
7) anything for the house. the only things I need here are a man and a dishwasher. Doubt I can obtain neither as a gift.
8) jewels of any kind. unless they're darn cute and suit my style perfectly.
9) perfums. I don't wear any. Who knows me, knows this.
10) food (as sweets or things like that). I'm trying hard to eat as a human being and not as a bee. So stop giving me anything with sugar in it. I'm addicted, you should know!!

Monday, December 12, 2005


Dancing queen

I just got home after a night out with Pi and a friend of his. We had a great pizza then went salsa dancing.
I hadn't danced for quite a while and I felt my legs as they were made of wood...Dan, Pi's friend, is pretty good at Cuban salsa, and the more I danced the more I felt as Dumbo... awful!

Coming back home I realized that I miss dancing quite that much, as I miss going out a bit more than I do, as I miss being looked at. You know, when you're wearing something nice and your hair is nice and your make up is still on and you're on the dance floor smiling and everything seems lighter....
Yeah, I do miss being girlish and lighthearted.
The question is: how can we miss being something we've never been?

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Erase or rewind

I didn't vanish in the air as I wanted. Nor I left him without any word. He didn't let me the time to do it.
I picked up the phone thinking it was my mommy with the daily rate of bad news - my family's going through a real hard time - but it was him instead.
I thought he didn't call me on the cell phone cause he felt I was plotting something and feared I wouldn't have answered if I had seen his number. Not that I said anything, but he still feels my thoughts, a bit more clearly everyday.

He didn't leave me much time to think or to talk, he apologized for the fight we had and told me he feels confused by what is happening. He said we're both walking on some sort of minefield, for this situation is new for the both of us and we're both feeling strange, but he wants to keep walking holding my hand, being true, wearing no mask.
He won me, I admit that.
I still think this is a dead end road, and he's a bit too comfortable in this role, with few duties and lots of rights... it'd be so so easy for him to run away again at the first sign of what he thinks it's danger...

I'm such a spineless slug at times!

Anyway, I'm waiting for my counselling session on Tuesday before even breathing in his direction. I'm completely lost in my fears and thoughts, anything I could do now would be wrong. In any way.

Christmas time just makes things worse.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


With or without you

I knew this would have happened. I've felt the time coming in tiny steps, like those of a child on Christmas Eve, tiptoeing to the presents under the tree.
And now the time has come for me to say goodbye. What's the use in waiting?

I can't wish you anything good. You had the best and couldn't manage the happiness of it.
Can't wish you love or affection. You had them both and couldn't stand that fullness.

I don't know which kind of a tale you're telling to yourself, but I decided to stop telling myself anyone.

At first I really believed I wasn't in love with you anymore. And I'm still sure about the fact I'm not in love with the guy who left me running down the stairs like a thief.
But the one who came back a few weeks ago, willing to talk and make things clear, the one who came nursing me one week ago, after a nightshift's work and with a 3 hours car trip because he "couldn't stand being so far knowing I felt that bad"... well, I can't resist him.

As I don't want to make a fool of me I think it's time to part. I do love you and I feel I've always loved you.
That would scare you to death, I guess. And that's why I'm writing it where you'll never read.
And where I can always look up to remind me why I left you without any word, a few days before Christmas, with my heart broken. Again.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


Girls just want to have fun

Ok. Fever has gone. The sorethroat's still there, with the razors blades and all, but I left!! I took a plane yesterday night and here I am, at Seaweed's, keeping you posted about my life.
This town is rainy and cold, but we're going out shopping and I'm firmly intentioned to let my thoughts go and my soul fly.
Just wanted to share this feeling, so now I'll take off my pj and turn myself into the most gorgeous sorethroated diva the world has ever seen!!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005



Today's the first day of a fortnight off work. This year I've worked as a dog and only had some days off, so now (as the lovely buch of morons I work for doesn't want us to accumulate holidays) I MUST stop for some days before Christmas.
Not so bad, I thought.
During the last week I've worked even harder - this is one of the reasons I didn't have the time to write at all - waiting for Dicember 1st as it was the end of a detention.. no crosses on the walls, no banging on the bars of the prison... but you know what I'm talking about..
Seaweed just finished a hard work for the Japan Week in Naples (a great event, I must say) and yesterday we decided to meet, at last.
I was supposed to leave my town on Friday evening and get back here on Tuesday. I checked for plane tickets and decided to buy them today in the morning.
But you know, you can never tell what life has saved for you.. In my case, life kept by for me a raging fever, a flu, the throath full of razor blades, the worst headache ever..
No holidays. No planes. No Seaweed.
Just me and my couch, tigthly held, and those 3 little furry devils.
I know it sounds irresistible, but don't ask for the receipt, like every great chef I don't share my secrets!!!

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