Friday, February 24, 2006


The Bee-tch is back part 1

We started meeting in 2001. At that time I still worked in a lab, lived with Pi, and lead a very routinary life. She lived with her little girl's dad - they were calling it quits, actually - and was a housewife.

We lived in adjoining flats in the city centre; while Pi often used to have a cup of coffee with her in the morning - he had his "airbrush factory" set in a part of our flat, so he mostly worked at home - I rarely happened to see her, if not in the hall of the building. But oh, even that was enough...I couldn't stand her "age of Aquarius" manners, her flowerpower style. Most of all, I couldn't stand the fact that she wanted to convince us all that we would undoubtedly be destined to a horrible death if we didn't change our lifestyle. Not that she even remotedly knew what our lifestyle was, but maybe just wearing "normal" clothes and not shabby formless dresses was, for her, a sign of our incapability to lead a proper life. Let alone the fact that we didn't start our day with half an hour of indian chants, so we really had to be a couple of poor lost souls who needed to be saved.

Despite my reluctancy, she used to invite me for a cup of tea once a week. The grumpy me thought: Well, she's being nice and playing her "perfect neighbour" role, so why spoil her fun? And so we started our good-neighbourhood routine. And I learned my first (partial) lesson: never judge a book by the cover (though don't expect a cheap crappy novel to be a masterpiece, I should have added... but I'm anticipating the facts..)

During those tea-chats we both discovered something we hadn't seen at first. I found a really generous person, with a strong motherly attitude and a secret pain which I could only sense, then. I always soften when I see something hidden in the deep of a person. Especially pain. And so I couldn't help but change my mind slowly. As for me, she found a woman who managed with all odd jobs that frightened her so much (I'm quite a good plumber, electrician, mason and so on..) and who was so different from her usual friends... I didn't treat her as a moron, for a change..

In less than 6 months lots of things changed in our lives. We both separated from our men, I lost my job, found another lover and another job. She moved to a different flat and devoted herself to a man in Germany who broke her heart in tiny bleeding pieces, the crazy bloke. We became very close friends. I think we both clinged to our newborn friendship careless of the differences between us. She was so motherly and I was so firm and strong - except for sentimental matters, of course. We both needed a piece of the family we had never had. My mom was frequently ill and was never really able to be interested in both me and my brother until I was almost 24. Bee's father simply left her and her mom when she was not more than 3. They're still in touch, but he never really took care of her.

Soon we discovered that we shared a very strong passion for food, nutrition and cooking, and that we both thought life had to be lived in a "healthy" and spiritual way. I accepted her Indian chants and her messy house - the new was messier than the old one.. - and she accepted my tiny kitchen and my quiet and private way to live my religious feelings.
We started developing a cooking project together, and spent hours cooking and experimenting just like happy scientists. We were so enthusiastic and energetic that our simple ideas soon took form of a real work.

We still had some quarrels - her little girl was a genuine pain in the ass, she broke thosands of things in my house, she even ruined a gold necklace my mommy gave me for my 30th birthday and she never ever scolded her. As some things run in the family, Bee succeded in breaking almost everything I lended her: a brand new iron (hers was already broken), an electric oven (her third flat had no oven) and so on.

But I was in such a pain then (guess what? I was dying for a man..) and she was oh so generous in taking care of me... I felt that something wasn't working the right way but our little project was oh so important for me... that I simply thought that feelings were much more important than things, our common desire to start cooking professionally was much more important than a broken oven..
She may have been unloyal and silly and you'll see how much of the both, but actually, in spite of all that happened afterwords, I still think this is one of the greatest lessons I've learnt from our friendship.

Feelings, when they're true, are always much more important than anything else.

--end of part one --


Star(ring) people

I wrote some posts in the last few days but none of them has been published yet.
The fact is that the more I write the more I find my own words "too much" to be published.
Too angry, too sarchastic, too boring, too much of a psychobabble crap...

It's a very peculiar period, made of unpredictable events, with long gone people showing their faces again, much to my quiet surprise.

Bob, Bee, Mr.Charmes, Goldfish just to say some.
And I realize that it's impossible to write about it all without having introduced them properly.

So, how about talking about them, instead of me, for a change? They're people who really meant or still mean a lot to me, some I deeply cared for, some I'd like to smash their head hard with a baseball bat.

I'll post different entries for everyone of them - except for Mr.Charmes who really has no secret left for anyone of us. I was planning to finally confess that he actually is Luke Skywalker's dad but don't know.. it would spoil all of the fun, wouldn't it?

Friday, February 17, 2006



After so many years I know, at least: I've wasted my time.
What was I thinking when I decided to start my working life? I mean, come on, how could I ever attain fulfilment of my deepest aspirations if I don't follow my real inclination?

I know, it's not so easy to fully understand one's talent.. but a few days ago, during my daily online-news roaming, my real calling saw the light. Epiphany, as we call it.

Somewhere in Thailand there's this group of people - who I'm willing to emule as soon as I'll be able to breath again - who has started a "dive with the shark" activity.

I think it substantially consists of diving amongst the sharks in a huge swimming pool. Sort of. And we all know how much I love being surrounded by sharks, don't we?

This you may not notice, as the people in the pics are wearing their wet suits, but they're priests. Who else, if not someone allowed to directly talk to God, could decide to mess with life like that?
"Dear God, the shark's going to swallow me in just one gulp, could You kindly help me?"
"mmmmm.....don't know.... I'm having sort of fun, actually... "
"C'mon God, I'm Your faithful servant... I'm a priest!!"
"oh, ok then... Let's see what I can do... I could... OH!! Too late! That shark's really smart, isn't it?"

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


L is for lover

I won't pretend to ignore bloody Valentine's day.
Neither I'll pretend being in a good mood, which I'm not. At all.

One year ago on Valentine's Day I was fuming with rage at Goldfish and trying hard not to lose my temper because of Mr.Charmes, who was starting then to force me into a deeper relationship.
Same time, same place, one year later I'm fuming with rage because of Thomas' rudeness (yeah, can you believe it?) and trying hard not to buy a chainsaw to slaughter him, Mr.Charmes and some passer-by - you know, chainsaw slaughters can cause addiction..
Thomas' revelation (and revolution) is worth a whole post, so I won't spoil the coming update with any news. Anyway, from last year not so much time has passed but there are so many things I have learnt since then that I feel I'm 10 years older (read: tired and weary, not wise and sage). This is something one should to be very grateful of, and I am indeed.. I'm almost happy, in spite of cloying, sickening Valentine's atmosphere.
Don't know much about the way this is celebrated around the world, apart from nice postcards and stuff, but here in Italy it's mostly a "buy-me-flowers-and-chocolate-and-pretend-we're-happier-than-ever" sort of stuff. A very very romantic-faking celebration, you know, so romantic that even Scarlet O'hara would puke at the mere thought of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love and romance. So sweet am I, that I can even recall two tender Valentine's moments of my life, and just the memory of those puts a smile on my face.
The both are strangely related to jewels, even if I really couldn't care less about gold or stones... mmm... Should I change "sweet" with "greedy"? Anyway...
The first one was in 1993. I still lived at my parents' then, and I was sitting near the fireplace when Pi arrived with a tiny box. As I may have told you before, he is an artist (though now is deeply involved in a total money-making job) and never seems to remember anything, not to talk about birthdays, anniversaries and so on. That is the reason why we used to have our personal Valentine's day, which we also invented a nickname for, several times a year, whenever one of us was in the mood for a celebration.
That year, he came at my parents' home to see me as he did almost everyday. I don't remember if we wanted to go out or not, but maybe not as I remember being in my pj's...Jeez, it was an awful pink pj's that would have made anyone scream in horror... he didn't, and this could actually be the first thing to prove he was deeply in love with me..
Anyway, he came and gave me this tiny box and... there lied a little lovely ring with an oval lapislazuli (which had been one of my favourite semiprecious stones for years).
I don't know why but I cherish this memory so so much.. maybe because it was more than 10 years ago, maybe because we were both young and so trustful, or just because we were so madly in love... don't know. Anyway, that ring's still in my bedside table drawer and the memory, as you see, I still tenderly treasure.

The second memory is about Valentine's day 2002. Goldfish had come to see me, here in my hometown. We had been together for less than one year then. We lived in very distant places (still do) and in spite of passion and love, our daily routine was made of loooong phone calls instead of hoooooooooooot kisses. C'est la vie. But that day we were together, happy and foolish like every other lover in the world. We went out for dinner, spent a lovely evening together and eventually came back home, longing for each other's arms and lips. We were so passionate and tender that I'm still moved at the thought!
While chatting under the blankets (you know, candlelights, incense burning and all) he asked me to straighten up and sit on the mattress, close my eyes and turn my back at him. Ok. I love these games, the little girl within me thought, overjoyed, so c'mon man...!
A second later I felt something cold around my neck. Two seconds later I was staring at myself in the mirror. Naked and glowing in candlelight, a lovely white gold necklace glittering around my neck. Tre seconds later I was overwhelmed by emotion, tears flooding down my eyes, his arms around me and my heart in the skies.
Either Goldfish and Pi have been really important men in my life. And they both sent me a Valentine greeting today, which I found very sweet.

I may not have a man in my life now, I may be still in pain for all the recent events, but one thing I know for sure: the greatest thing you'll ever learn is learn to love and be loved in return.

Monday, February 13, 2006


celebrate good times, come on!

This is my 50th post. Sounds like something worth a little celebration, no?

As it would be quite hard for me to reach everyone of you with a piece of my delicious ricotta and chocolate tarte.. I thought a 50some-list was the best thing I could share.. (yep, easy and cheap... )

Keep some toothpicks at handle, you know... just in case..

1) this blog is one of the best things I've given myself as a present.

2) my eyes are dark green. Everyone thinks I wear coloured contacts. I hate when they ask "nice colour... where did you buy your lenses?"

3) I'm a great cook. There are times when I think that I'm not. And that people tell me so just because they have a bad taste... but I'm working on this masochistic side of myself... ;-)

4) When I was 6 I wanted to be an English teacher and hid behind the door of the English class while supposed to play basket (which I hated and still do)

5) Chocolate is my favourite taste ever

6) When I was a baby I talked so much my parents used to get so weary that they were forced to call some relatives to share the stress...

7) I've always thought my brother was a definite genius. Nonetheless I definitely feel that I'm the eldest and can still teach him something.

8) I want to have a baby before I turn 36. At least one.

9) I can't stand raw food but I love sushi and carpaccio.

10) When I started taking the pill I gained some 24 lbs. And looked like this. Fortunately now, after some 14 years of healthy food, I look like this..

11) I don't like very thin men. The entire range from skinny to just thin. It's like there's an aura of frailty about them that deeply disturbs me..

12) I don't eat pork meat, nor lamb, nor small poultry. Actually, I try not to eat anything animal exception made for eggs and milk. And smoked salmon (yep, I'm a sinner)

13) I have an astoundingly high-developed sense of smell. It often happened that I could smell something my man ate or drank (or whatever) even the day before. I have a great sight from the distance and quite a sharp sense of taste, but an awful hearing.

14) I don't like modern fairytales. Exception made for Harry Potter which I ADORE.

15) I only know one lullabye. I'd better learn some others before time comes for me to rock any baby to sleep... ;-)

16) Sometimes I'm so old fashioned in what I do (cooking, sewing, baking, knitting, stitching...) that I wonder if I will ever meet a man who suits me or have to look for Marty McFly in the 50's. In which case, my car's not suitable for the trip..

17) I can't dirty talk out of bed. Overusing words weakens them.

18) I mispelled the italian word for "elephant proboscis" till I was 26. Otherwise I never ever have mispelled an italian word (as far as I know) since I was 7

19) I was a phone addict. My longest phone call lasted 7 hours and a half. Overnight

20) I can't stand birds

21) I own lots of colourful and matching underwear. Posh, funny, cute, sexy.. whatever you're looking for, here it is in my drawer

22) I love swimming but I panick in dark depth

23) Once I had sex inside a wrecked house burned by lava on the slopes of a volcano. The main floor was bottomless and it was very dangerous. Unfortunately that was the only exciting thing about that all..

24) Natural scents - such as that of a man's skin after a shower - really turn me on, just as bad smells make me cranky and aloof

25) I've never bitten my nails

26) I have 52 pairs of shoes. If I were rich I'd have hundreds

27) I never ever lie. Unless THIS is a lie..

28) I'm an excellent driver. And, no, I haven't starred in Rain man..

29) I love travelling by train or plane

30) I'm all for oral sex. Unless it comes to receiving it. And receiving it from a clumsy lover. Jeez!

31) I only have a few memories of my childhood. Nearly none of them is before 1978. It's pathological but true

32) I like myself more than I'm willing to admit even if at times

33) I blame myself for almost anything... much more than a normal human being should... I'm afraid that's what comes with Catholicism..

34) I can't phisically stand men who look like they have no bones.. or make me sense that there's kind of a Mr.Doughnut within them, soft, white, sticky... Good gracious!

35) I don't wear any tattoo but

36) I have a small piercing which I made in Florence some 7 years ago, as a souvenir from that vacation

37) I should put braces on my teeth. It's not they're really really bad but... well, I should. And I will. But not before having found a real significant one (... no connection at all with n.30, you nasty folks..)

38) I do believe that what goes around comes around. The wheel of life and stuff

39) I've been in analysis for three years now, and I don't regret a single cent I've given my holy counsellor

40) I have no regrets about my past. Except for quitting university. That still pangs me like hell

41) I easily fall in love with men who can really teach me something.

42) Yesterday night I ate 1 kg of homemade creme caramel. It was the first time I did it so good and I couldn't resist devouring it!

43) I'm a very good listener even if

44) I talk so so much.

45) I've never faked an orgasm. But I faked excitement, which is maybe even worse... oh, he was sooooo boring...poor one..

46) I'm a Taurus, Cancer ascendant. For what it means.

47) Today I'm in an awful mood. I wish I was home, on the sofa, taking a nap.

48) I'm good at forgiving. Awful at forgetting.

49) I want to start some daily meditation routine very soon

50) I'm quite happy, in the end!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Scar tissue

My awfully aching neck has kept me home for two days now, but haven't been able to set my mind on writing.
Staying home is making so many memories come to surface, it's a really tough moment.

My weekend was quite good. Went at Thomas' for dinner on Saturday (japanese curry and rice, homemade icecream and a few hours of good sex, almost the same recipe of our last time together... )and spent the night there. He was sweeter then ever, made me really feel home and shared his pillow and his thoughts. Anyway I got back home on Sunday, lunchtime, with an unbelievable headache and the bluest of the moods.

The fact is that, the more I spend my time with funny, caring, loving Thomas, the more I feel sad about Mr.Don't-you-ever-cross-my-path-anymore-Charmes.
I'm sad for all the things that might have been and that won't be. I'm sad because this man is definitely a great person, a good lover, a smart friend... but he's not someone I could live with... and this really is such a shame..
I feel sad because I know it's much too early for me to even think about committing to anyone. It's like having a battle within, one Phi needs to get a grip on herself, have her healthy life back and to do that she needs to be alone, no strings attached; the other one desperately longs for hugs and affection, for someone who looks at her with admiration and desire.

Is this the first step to schizophrenia? (what the heck do you mean with "you're further than this"????)

I feel very clearly that my heart is covered with scars, and none of them has healed yet. Scars made of anger, disrespect, desperate passion and indifference, all mixed in a poisonous cocktail that I drank taking long draughts until last month.
Now I'm kinda clearing my system, but it will take a little bit more time to leave this withdrawal symptoms behind.
And to look at those scars with a quiet smile, knowing I made it through. Once again.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Don't speak

I just got home from the theatre. It's 1.10 am and tomorrow's a bloody working day. I'm tired but a bit too excited to get to sleep. I'm listening to some music. One song, then another.. and another...and here it comes: don't speak. I start crying as I always do when I listen to it. Wherever I am, I can't stop tears from falling.
Don't ask me why, it made me feel this way even when I couldn't understand the lyrics..
It's like someone turned on a switch and ooops, tears flood out

But tonite it's not just the switch stuff.

It's that I haven't allowed myself to cry that much since Mr.Charmes has left. This gives me a great excuse to let myself go and let some of the pain go away with these tears.
Kind of doing the laundry on my soul. Useful and clean. Thanks to Mrs. Stefani.

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