Monday, October 17, 2005
one step forward, two steps back
Think I sunbathed for the last time this year. Yesterday was a shiny hot Sunday and I went to the beach with my hilarious sweet ex almost-husband P. He went swimming and I laid and rested in the sun. Read a few pages of an awful book he had and tried to enjoy in spite of the grip in my stomach. That's how it felt, for all the day and night until lunchtime today. I never stopped thinking about the man who said to love me but left in the still of the night three weeks ago. I'll call him Mr.Charms, just to say a name.
Anyway, back to my sunny Sunday with "ex n.1". I hoped his company could lighten that stony grip I had inside, he's that kind of man who makes you laugh till you cry and let go of all your dammings. We were a couple and lived together for almost a decade and now we deeply love each other in a brother&sister way. You know all that stuff about the roads that part in growing up? yeah, that's us. I'm lucky to have him as a friend and I know he feels the same.
He's sincere and real, tender and funny.
So why am I so restless after a day like that instead of being happy for not having spent in on the couch watching tv, drowning in my own self-pity (I could make a business teaching people about self-pity..)?
I think it's 'cause I'm tired, weary and sick of collecting wonderful EX somethings..! Which basically means that I'm tired of being an EX myself. I want to be something for someone in the present, not only in someone's past. I want to be now and not then. I want to be a lover, flourishing in someone's hands, sharing and sprinkling joy as a fountain, not storing, accumulating feelings and waiting for something to happen. I'm growing up (good) but also getting old (not so good), and I'm afraid that when that Prince Fckuing comes I'll be too deaf and blind or scared to even notice. Ok, ok, maybe I won't be deaf or blind..only in my menopause!
Anyway, back to my sunny Sunday with "ex n.1". I hoped his company could lighten that stony grip I had inside, he's that kind of man who makes you laugh till you cry and let go of all your dammings. We were a couple and lived together for almost a decade and now we deeply love each other in a brother&sister way. You know all that stuff about the roads that part in growing up? yeah, that's us. I'm lucky to have him as a friend and I know he feels the same.
He's sincere and real, tender and funny.
So why am I so restless after a day like that instead of being happy for not having spent in on the couch watching tv, drowning in my own self-pity (I could make a business teaching people about self-pity..)?
I think it's 'cause I'm tired, weary and sick of collecting wonderful EX somethings..! Which basically means that I'm tired of being an EX myself. I want to be something for someone in the present, not only in someone's past. I want to be now and not then. I want to be a lover, flourishing in someone's hands, sharing and sprinkling joy as a fountain, not storing, accumulating feelings and waiting for something to happen. I'm growing up (good) but also getting old (not so good), and I'm afraid that when that Prince Fckuing comes I'll be too deaf and blind or scared to even notice. Ok, ok, maybe I won't be deaf or blind..only in my menopause!
