lust but not least

My awfully aching neck has kept me home for two days now, but haven't been able to set my mind on writing.
Staying home is making so many memories come to surface, it's a really tough moment.

My weekend was quite good. Went at Thomas' for dinner on Saturday (japanese curry and rice, homemade icecream and a few hours of good sex, almost the same recipe of our last time together... )and spent the night there. He was sweeter then ever, made me really feel home and shared his pillow and his thoughts. Anyway I got back home on Sunday, lunchtime, with an unbelievable headache and the bluest of the moods.

The fact is that, the more I spend my time with funny, caring, loving Thomas, the more I feel sad about Mr.Don't-you-ever-cross-my-path-anymore-Charmes.
I'm sad for all the things that might have been and that won't be. I'm sad because this man is definitely a great person, a good lover, a smart friend... but he's not someone I could live with... and this really is such a shame..
I feel sad because I know it's much too early for me to even think about committing to anyone. It's like having a battle within, one Phi needs to get a grip on herself, have her healthy life back and to do that she needs to be alone, no strings attached; the other one desperately longs for hugs and affection, for someone who looks at her with admiration and desire.

Is this the first step to schizophrenia? (what the heck do you mean with "you're further than this"????)

I feel very clearly that my heart is covered with scars, and none of them has healed yet. Scars made of anger, disrespect, desperate passion and indifference, all mixed in a poisonous cocktail that I drank taking long draughts until last month.
Now I'm kinda clearing my system, but it will take a little bit more time to leave this withdrawal symptoms behind.
And to look at those scars with a quiet smile, knowing I made it through. Once again.