Thursday, January 05, 2006
Why not take all of me
All of me
why not take all of me.
can't you see I'm no good without you...
your goodbye left me with eyes that cry, how can I go on live without you
you took that part that once was my heart
so why not
so why not take all of me
Great song, uh?
I know a lot of time has passed since I last updated. These holidays just swallowed me whole. Christmas came and went, with family and friends, and the week between it and New Year's Eve was quite busy, with friends and parties. All went well or not too bad at least until January 1st.
We met.
Exchanged Christmas presents.
Then the storm. It's impossible to sum up some 12 hours spent talking and crying and whispering, the story's always the same. Just cut and paste what happened three months ago.
I know he's right when he says we're not meant to be. I know he doesn't love me anymore. Wonder if he ever did. Then why why why on earth am I so HE-addicted?
I'm still/again in love. Yeah, great. And this smashes my brain like a potato. I end up almost begging for "one last hug" or crap like that. I'm fuming with rage at myself. I'm the dumbest, weakiest worthless chicken in the country.
I spent two days in bed crying my eyes out, no food, no drink. I turned off the cell and tried to calm down but all I went through was sleeping and bleeding. Yeah, I had a kind of hemorrhage on Monday night, something really more serious than a simple period.. I panicked at first, but then I just thought that exhausted as I was nothing mattered
Now I'm back at work. Or at least I'm back in the office. There's nothing I can't keep my mind on. He'd like to be friends again. It's been a lifetime since we first met, we've spent 15 years being each other's polar star somehow.. and now he turns me down like this. He's broken his toy. Discovered that the woman he has always loved was more in his mind than on this earth. That I'm human. No one can stand being compared to a myth. That's my fault. Not that he didn't like what he found... passionate lovemaking, deep affection and care but.. no stars, no sparks.
Ironic as it is, now it's my turn to stare at him as if he was god, with the stars in my eyes and my heart bleeding.
I can't stand it. I feel so weak I can't bare the thought of driving home or simply walking to the car. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up in my late 80's and the Lord will mercifully take my weary soul.
I know I'm overreacting, I know someday this will all be a bad memory. I can even imagine one day I'll be his friend again. But what in the meantime? How to react? Where to find the strenght to carry on? It's all fake and empty, it's all tasteless and worthless.
My counsellor's on a vacation, we're due to meet on Tuesday, but it seems it will take years from now.
What's so wrong in me that I'm not good enough to take care of myself, to defend myself from things like these? Why do I always seem to look for these kind of heartbreaking "final acts"?It's not the first time, I should have learned the lesson but no, here I go again, pale and shaken..feeling my life as an unbearable burden.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too Italian even for an Italian woman.. you know all that drama and tragedy and stuff.. Mimì in the Bohème at least had tuberculosis, *she* had the right to whine!!! The funny thing is that, apart from my restless aching heart, I'm the more pragmatic and down-to-earth person in town.
Now that I think about it, this could be part of the problem..I mean, being TOO pragmatic, TOO much logical.
It's like my mind goes into something like "the more I'm good and caring and patient the more he'll love me.. the more I deserve the more I get."
Bullshit. There's no way I can fix something broken just being a good girl, heal the wounds life gave me some 30 years ago. I'd better face it and stop falling to pieces everytime someone hurts me.
People get hurt. Lots of people are left by husbands, wives, mothers, fathers. But when we're suffering, we're blind to other people, it's only us and our trouble.
Outside the sun is shining and the air is crackling cold. All I want is this pain to end.
why not take all of me.
can't you see I'm no good without you...
your goodbye left me with eyes that cry, how can I go on live without you
you took that part that once was my heart
so why not
so why not take all of me
Great song, uh?
I know a lot of time has passed since I last updated. These holidays just swallowed me whole. Christmas came and went, with family and friends, and the week between it and New Year's Eve was quite busy, with friends and parties. All went well or not too bad at least until January 1st.
We met.
Exchanged Christmas presents.
Then the storm. It's impossible to sum up some 12 hours spent talking and crying and whispering, the story's always the same. Just cut and paste what happened three months ago.
I know he's right when he says we're not meant to be. I know he doesn't love me anymore. Wonder if he ever did. Then why why why on earth am I so HE-addicted?
I'm still/again in love. Yeah, great. And this smashes my brain like a potato. I end up almost begging for "one last hug" or crap like that. I'm fuming with rage at myself. I'm the dumbest, weakiest worthless chicken in the country.
I spent two days in bed crying my eyes out, no food, no drink. I turned off the cell and tried to calm down but all I went through was sleeping and bleeding. Yeah, I had a kind of hemorrhage on Monday night, something really more serious than a simple period.. I panicked at first, but then I just thought that exhausted as I was nothing mattered
Now I'm back at work. Or at least I'm back in the office. There's nothing I can't keep my mind on. He'd like to be friends again. It's been a lifetime since we first met, we've spent 15 years being each other's polar star somehow.. and now he turns me down like this. He's broken his toy. Discovered that the woman he has always loved was more in his mind than on this earth. That I'm human. No one can stand being compared to a myth. That's my fault. Not that he didn't like what he found... passionate lovemaking, deep affection and care but.. no stars, no sparks.
Ironic as it is, now it's my turn to stare at him as if he was god, with the stars in my eyes and my heart bleeding.
I can't stand it. I feel so weak I can't bare the thought of driving home or simply walking to the car. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up in my late 80's and the Lord will mercifully take my weary soul.
I know I'm overreacting, I know someday this will all be a bad memory. I can even imagine one day I'll be his friend again. But what in the meantime? How to react? Where to find the strenght to carry on? It's all fake and empty, it's all tasteless and worthless.
My counsellor's on a vacation, we're due to meet on Tuesday, but it seems it will take years from now.
What's so wrong in me that I'm not good enough to take care of myself, to defend myself from things like these? Why do I always seem to look for these kind of heartbreaking "final acts"?It's not the first time, I should have learned the lesson but no, here I go again, pale and shaken..feeling my life as an unbearable burden.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too Italian even for an Italian woman.. you know all that drama and tragedy and stuff.. Mimì in the Bohème at least had tuberculosis, *she* had the right to whine!!! The funny thing is that, apart from my restless aching heart, I'm the more pragmatic and down-to-earth person in town.
Now that I think about it, this could be part of the problem..I mean, being TOO pragmatic, TOO much logical.
It's like my mind goes into something like "the more I'm good and caring and patient the more he'll love me.. the more I deserve the more I get."
Bullshit. There's no way I can fix something broken just being a good girl, heal the wounds life gave me some 30 years ago. I'd better face it and stop falling to pieces everytime someone hurts me.
People get hurt. Lots of people are left by husbands, wives, mothers, fathers. But when we're suffering, we're blind to other people, it's only us and our trouble.
Outside the sun is shining and the air is crackling cold. All I want is this pain to end.
