Tuesday, October 25, 2005

 

silent desperation

I'm so hurt I can't tell. I'm so hurt I cannot seem to collect enough English words to make a sentence. I'd rather write in Italian but it would be too painful. This is some kind of a shield.

I just came from my counsellor. After our talks I usually feel if not good a bit more hopeful. Or a bit more sensible. Or whatever but this lousy crappy desperate garbage.
It's like my blood ran away, I'm cold as a stone and feel I could faint in any moment.
I'm drowning. I'm re-living all I went through when Mr.Charms left. The same void in the middle of my chest, the same cold, the same fear.
And the same rage and fury I tried hard to deny. Lord, I'd beat him with a baseball bat if I only could reach him.
I'm angry at myself for how much I trusted him and his feelings, for how I've let my feelings show. He talked me into our story, I was reluctant and somehow shy, now I can say I was afraid of letting myself go. But I eventually did.
Now I can say he was unconsciously trying to make a point out of it. He was (and is) emotionally unexperienced, he was... well, kinda practicing love for the first time. And you know how it is, it's like growing up, after a while you feel you can fly with your own wings.
He felt his power over me. He felt empowered by what he had proved to himself. Lord, he felt a man. He felt he could live without me just when I felt I couldn't do without him. I've let him have so much power over me that now he has the strenght to run away forever. I feel stupid and naive for all the pain and suffering I'm trying hard to survive at, while he's going out with friends and making out with some other girl. Ok, maybe not yet, but that's not the real point. I feel lost. All of my rationality is gone, stolen by his cruel words and his sudden runaway. There's no use in crying but I can't help it. I'm numb and a total wreck. I feel sooo old. And I don't know how to forget, turn over a new leaf, face the loneliness and survive. Is there a way to believe in ourselvers, to believe we ARE worth?

Comments:
I know its hard, but everything will be ok.

You have to sit with those feelings for a while, allow yourself to grieve. Mourn the loss as you would if he had died.

It'll take time, but you will be so much stronger afterwards.

It won't go away overnight, but each day will be a bit easier.

Bx
 
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